BOSTON GLOBE – In a move that caught administration officials by surprise but infuriated Democrats in Congress, President Trump ordered doctors from the National Science foundation to create zombies and deploy them to the Southern border to deter crossings by illegal immigrants. Creating zombies is not currently authorized under U.S. law but Trump has rarely followed legal niceties.
“Creating zombies, much less deploying them to frighten or even attack women and children looking for a better life for their families and extended relatives is outrageous, even for this President. We need to impeach the MF,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi, using a gutter expletive popularized by Pelosi’s ally, Rashida Tlaib.
Zombies, popularized in TV and movies, are not currently being developed, according to a spokesman for the Defense Department. “This is either fake news or the President was kidding,” the spokesman said.
When asked about the zombie report, President Trump denied he said it, but several sources who wished to remain anonymous confirmed the account, although they were not present to hear the remarks directly. “If you hear the same comment from lots of people, you just know it is true,” said one whistleblower, who filed a complaint. The Inspector General has opened an investigation into the issue and so far, the White House has refused to release any transcripts that would cast doubt on the reporting.
One anonymous source, a career CIA operative stationed undercover at the White House since Trump’s inauguration, said that his sources revealed that Trump may have been kidding, but others said he was serious. “Was he kidding when he asked Russia to release the 33,000 emails that Hillary Clinton deleted? Was he kidding when he suggested he may stay for a third term? Was he kidding when he implied that God had chosen him to fix the Chinese trade problem or the North Korean nuclear problem?” the spy asked rhetorically.
Zombies featured prominently in the last few seasons of Game of Thrones. TV critic John Smith tweeted that Trump may have cast himself as the Queen of Dragons in his own mind’s version of the show taking place in Washington. “I do think this shows some sort of homoerotic fixation on Daenerys Targaryen, or maybe an LGBTQ agenda in his subconscious, not that there’s anything wrong with that,” Smith said.
“But Trump must not be a Thrones fan, because the Snow King was commanding the white walker zombies. He is regarded as an evil character, so this might be subconsciously showing that Trump thinks his actions as president are for evil purposes, not good,” Smith said.
Several Democrats supported this theory. “If you watch Game of Thrones, you know the central characters are obsessed with a giant Wall. Go back and read Trump’s description of a big, beautiful Wall and you will see the similarities,” said Chuck Schumer.
Adam Schiff, Maxine Waters, and Jerry Nadler, the Chairs of three “impeachment inquiry” committees, have all filed subpoenas to obtain all documents with the words “zombie,” “white walker,” and “walking dead.” Nadler went further, claiming that “white walkers” were in fact code words for white supremacists, meaning that Trump was calling for an uprising of AK-47-wielding supremacists to converge on the border. “We need to impeach this MF,” Nadler said, without realizing his microphone was still on, using a common expletive popularized by Rashida Tlaib.
Presidential adviser Kellyanne Conway defended the president, saying that the media was “making stuff up yet again” and there are no plans to create or deploy zombies at the border. “We wouldn’t want to increase the competition for Democrats in their primaries,” she said. “They are going to have a tough enough time in 2020 without a bunch of Far Leftist zombies challenging incumbent Democrat members of Congress next year,” she said, implying that Socialist Democratic politicians are actually zombies. She offered no evidence for this assertion, however.
In a related development, the Democrat National Committee voted to include “non-zombie” candidate requirements during the upcoming presidential debates, forcing all of the candidates but Joe Biden to suspend their campaigns until the rules are clarified.
This report used material from the New York Times and Washington Post.
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